LOST AND INSECURE

[blake]

A pack of cigarettes sat on the table next to Blake, and unlit one was placed in between his index and middle fingers. His free hand was frantically searching the pockets of his jeans, trying to find his lighter. He could feel the indent through his jeans but somehow the lighter had made its way to the very bottom of the pocket. At last his fingers closed around the simple black lighter, one of the ones that was two dollars and came in a pack of four. He brought the cigarette up to his lips, and lit the cigarette before throwing the lighter down on top of the pack of cigarettes. Instantly he felt a way a wave of calm wash over him. It was against the law for Blake to be smoking, but the guards never yelled at him. The first week he had been in the asylum, he had thrown a bit of a fit, which was very uncommon for Blake. It was impossible to live without smoking, especially since it was the only thing that eased his separation anxiety. At night he had sleeping medication to help, but during the day there was nothing. After a discussion with his therapist, they had decided that he would be allowed two cigarettes a day. That was all. In the beginning it was hell, but now Blake found himself able to live off of only two cigarettes. The therapist wanted to eventually get him completely off of his addiction to cigarettes, but Blake wasn’t willing to give it up. He felt like he was going out of his mind sitting in a room full of crazy people.

To be honest, Blake didn’t think that he really needed to be in there. Sure he had his share of problems, but he didn’t think that he should be ripped from his home and mother, the two things that he had always been most attached to. Everyday was miserable for Blake. Of course he had developed all new attachments to people. It was still much harder for him. He wasn’t as attached to the people in the asylum compared to his mother. Sure he’d made several friends that he couldn’t stand spending even a day away from, but he didn’t panic too badly. Whenever he started to feel the panic set in, he’d pull a cigarette out and try to distract himself from the reality of his situation. Blake didn’t like the asylum. The majority of the people weren’t friendly, and several had already started using him. He didn’t though. He was a needy person and as long as there were people that were his friends he was happy. That morning he had spent his time with Shayna, someone that he wasn’t overly attached to but still needed to see at least every other day. Blake hated that he was so clingy; he knew it was annoying, but it was something he couldn’t help. The majority of the people in the asylum didn’t choose to be the way there were. It was just something they had no choice in.

Glancing around the room, he was surprised to see that there were only a few people in the room. Instinctively he glanced at his wrist as if he was checking his watch. Frowning, he remembered that he no longer wore a watch. It was a hard habit to get out of. On the far wall a large clock high out of reach from the patients read that it was after six at night, the time when most decided to go to lunch. Blake wouldn’t go until just before eight and eat quickly. The large crowds of people made him overly nervous, just like being in the room without any of his friend was currently making him feel. Drumming his free hand against his leg, he glanced around the room looking for a friend. He felt lonely, like no one wanted to be with him. His thoughts instantly turned to Leah. She was one of the people that he was completely attached to. It was difficult for him to be away from her. His thoughts raced through different scenarios of why she wouldn’t be in the room with him. Maybe something happened to her. What if she was hurt? Or if she was magically cured and was never coming back to see him again? These were the type of thoughts that had resulted in him being stuck at Alkaline. Back at home he wouldn’t even leave his house or let his mother leave. He brought the cigarette to his lips, a nervous and slightly panicked look crossing over his face.



leah is tagged! will make this all pretty tomorrow.

[* LEAH MAY PARKER.]

"WILL you just leave me alone?!" Leah screamed at the thing before her. She couldn't even make out what it was, all she knew was that it was there, telling her that she was going to die slowly and soon. What kind of person wanted to hear that? Not Leah. She knew she wouldn't die, it was a figment of her imagination. The schizophrenia she lived with was different from most. Normally there were certain kinds based on the symptoms. Leah had undifferentiated schizophrenia which meant that she had symptoms from all different kinds. She'd laugh randomly at inappropriate times, hear voices, she had repetitive behaviours (and OCD) and simply hallucinated. Those all fit into a certain kind of schizophrenia, the disorganized type. However, what made her case different was that she had one symptom from paranoid schizophrenia that she only witnessed every so often in reality, but mostly in nightmares. Dellusions of persecution.

"GO away, please, just go away!" She screamed at the corner of her room. There he was, slowly starting to form again. A persecutor. He came around every now and then to warn Leah of a near death. What was that supposed to mean? He always wore dark clothing, and occasionally carried a bloodied weapon. It was simply disturbing to be told that she was going to die regardless of whether it was true or not. He had been harassing Leah for the past hour, and she hadn't been able to move out of fright. He was scary. He would laugh at her, taunt her, then show her a scene where some blurry form would be splurting blood everywhere. He was the villian and she was the innocent bystander who was sadly powerless. She was crying softly, and sobbing just a tad as he would slowly come towards her replaying moments when a fake life was lost.

IT didn't take long for her to attract the attention of the nurses. After a few moments of her being frightened in the corner, they came in and gave her a shot. She hated shot meds. She was better at just downing pills, but they were less affective in a short amount of time. The shots worked quickly though. After a few minutes, she was getting light headed and the figure was slowly going away. Then, she slept for a little while, only to wake up from a nightmare with that same creep who stalked her during the day. It was bad enough that he crept up on her occasionally and that nobody else could see him. But then he had to appear in her dreams too?

WITH quick breaths coming out of her mouth, she got up from bed and walked down the hall, afraid of turning the corner. It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. Leah didn't want to have schizophrenia, she didn't want to be at Alkaline, and she didn't want to be alone. She'd have to find someone. Then it dawned on her; Blake. They saw eachother quite often and were best friends. Today though, they hadn't gotten to see eachother, and she figured that made him nervous. Leah was nervous, jumping at every sound. Then he was taunting her again. His cold words attacked one ear and then the next, but cautiously she looked behind her to find no one. Then there was that laugh and haunting words. Just with those words in her ear, she broke out into a sprint. So much for meds working. How long had she even been asleep for them to wear off so quickly? She'd been out for four hours, which was shorter than usual for the meds to last. Maybe they'd given her less.

RUNNING into the recreation center, she slowed down and gasped for air. She had been doing a full out sprint for god knows how long, and she was just able to get a break. She had no real destination for her running, but somehow she had managed to find Blake. Letting out a sigh, she walked over and fell over the top of the couch, landing beside him and half upside down. "Hey boy," she said brightly, hoping she could cover the fear that was apparent in her bright blue eyes. Stupid persecutor, always chose the good days to turn into the bad days. Despite how much the idea scared her, she knew she had to ignore him and eventually he would go away. She had to focus all of her attention on the good things and the friend beside. "What's wrong?" she added quickly, seeing his slightly nervous expression. Perhaps it was just that he was seperated from people he wanted to be near and was worried; worried enough to smoke.

NOW, normally Leah wouldn't really approve of the smoking. She didn't like it, and on occasion would tell him to stop because she didn't like it. However, it didn't bother her that much so more often than not she would let him do it. Besides, it meant that he had a lighter on him - which at the moment Leah didn't. So, once she spotted it, she picked it up and started watching the flame. She was trying to cut back on the pyro - like it was an addiction to drugs or something. However, she did have a desire for flames like Blake did for cigaretts. Now they were both somewhat satisfied. Then there was that laugh again and she almost dropped the lighter.

tags: blake.
notes: oh, that's kind of a long post, they probably won't be that long in the future. my writing lengths tend to vary... a lot.

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[blake]

For some reason, Blake had always liked the recreation room. Unlike the common room, there was a greater chance of people not noticing him. The majority of the patients hung out in the common room during the day just to waste time. At least in the recreation room they had other things to focus on. He didn’t need to worry about bored patients watching him while he smoked a cigarette and internally began to panic over his friends. One of the worst parts of being in the asylum was the lack of privacy. Even as a level two patient he was constantly monitored. There were rare moments when he knew that he wasn’t being observed. Granted it was also a positive thing in Blake’s mind. Someone would always watch him; make sure that he was okay. The thought was strangely comforting to him. Still he didn’t feel the need to be monitored. It wasn’t like he was suicidal or hurting other people. The worst he did was worry his mind. All of his problems were internal ones. The only things that actually made his life difficult were the night terrors. Still, he never even remembered what his dreams were about. It wasn’t a life threatening thing, but it was very uncomfortable and didn’t help his nervousness during the rest of the waking day.

The cigarette in his hand was slowly shrinking in size, and he could feel the panic rising even higher. When he first had a cigarette it calmed him, but once it ran out the panic was unavoidable. He wanted to continue onto another cigarette when his current one was done, but he was already on his second cigarette. That meant that he would have to leave the comfortable couch and look for Leah. While debating whether or not he should go in search of his best friend, she appeared in the doorway; panting and looking as though she had ran for an hour. His eyes lit up at the sight of Leah. Instantly the stress he had been feeling washed away. It was funny how such a simple thing as seeing Leah was enough for his stress to dissipate. He brought his legs up onto the couch and underneath, practically crouching over Leah on the couch. ”Hey Leah!” He nearly shouted excitedly. The few people that were in the room glanced at him for a second before returning back to their activities. It was a common occurrence for people around the asylum to have random outbursts. Still it was impossible not to look at people when they raised their voices. It was interesting to see who had broken down and for what reason. Sure it was a sick idea, but it didn’t bother Blake. He normally just watched from the sidelines and said nothing.

A playfully grin crossed over his lips and gently pulled on a strand of her light blonde hair. Having her within reaching distance was more than comforting for Blake. He felt himself relax for the first time that day. ”Nothing now that you’re hear. I missed you today.” He had no problem admitting when he was missing the people he was attached to. Leah was no different, in fact, with her it was actually a little bit worse then most of the people around the asylum. She was one of the few people that he worried about constantly because he was so attached to her. He hated knowing that he was so needy and clingy. It wasn’t something he had ever wanted to be. Still that was the entire reason he was in here. Maybe, eventually, he would reach a point where he wouldn’t be so obnoxiously attached to people. At this point in his life he highly doubted it was possible. ”Don’t get my lighter taken away from me.” He grinned knowingly. He had no problem getting lighters since he was indifferent when it came to fire. It wasn’t until now that he noticed the fear in her eyes. ”Are you okay?” He asked, his eyebrows furrowing in worry. When it came to Leah, he tended to be a bit overprotective. It was inevitable, especially since he felt the need to constantly be near her. He had to make sure that nothing happened to her and no one took her away.



leah is tagged! i'm too lazy to make my posts pretty xD

[* LEAH MAY PARKER.]

LEAH couldn't help but love when Blake had little outbursts like that. He was kind of childish in a way, but she liked that. It wasn't everyday that she got to hang around with someone like Blake.

BLAKE was like her drug dealer, only instead of selling drugs, he sold her lighters, and instead of selling them to her, he just let her have them - kind of. See, whenever Leah found him when he was smoking, she'd simply take the lighter from him, entertain herself for a while, and then every now and then casually slip it into her pocket. She didn't need to do it often, only when she ran out of matches (which were her favourite) and had her lighter taken away. She only ever had one in her possesion incase they searched her. Besides, t wasn't really like either of them cared. Leah knew, and Blake knew, that he could get his hands on as many lighters as he pleased. Why? Because he didn't have a problem like she did. He wasn't burning anyone or threatening to burn down the asylum. Leah wasn't threatening to burn down the asylum, in fact, she didn't hurt anybody, ever. She was the type of person that wouldn't hurt a fly, yet she could yell her head off at it until it flew into a birds nest out of utter annoyance. Old bird nests were the sort of thing that she would burn however. Outside, in the open air, she'd find twigs and form a little fire pit. At least she was smart enough to get a mini fire pit around the thing. Some people who were really intrigued by fire would light parts of their room on fire only to have administrators of Alkaline rush over to take care of the problem. Leah wasn't like that. She could be trusted with fire, it was just that she had a 'dangerous' fascination with it.

NOTHING was worrying him anymore. That was good. She knew how he felt. Sometimes seeing certain people could just lighten her moods and keep her calm. These instances didn't go so far as his did, but she knew very vaguely how his relief to see her must have felt. "Good, I'm glad," she told him with a smile, "I missed you too." It was strange, but she was kind of just attatched to him as he was to her. Normally she wouldn't get too clingy. Back in Georgia she could go a day without seeing or talking to some of her friends. Sometimes even more than a day. However, at Alkaline, she had to bear staying away from her friends, which got difficult after at least a school week - which was actually a pretty long time. So, she tried her best to make friends here, and she found Blake. They got pretty close and soon became best friends. Since Blake was attatched to her, she had grown accustom to seeing him at least every day. When she didn't see him, she felt bad and like she should, and she would miss him too. He had become a part of her life. Leah always fit it into her blank schedule to hang out with him because they had great times and also the fact that they were just so used to eachother. He was like the really great brother that she never had. To say the least, they were best friends.

AND he caught her. She should've known better than to try to fake it. At least everything seemed to be clearer upside down. That way, if she saw the evil spirit thing again, she wouldn't quite be able to make it out. However, telling Blake that she was just happy with the fact that things were better upside down probably wouldn't slide. If anything it would cause confusion and more curiousity as to why she preferred the word right side down rather than the normal way - which was somewhat rare. "Well," she began, "I had kind of a... scare, earlier." She didn't know what else to call it without saying what it plainly was, but she knew he'd probably get what she meant. Even if he didn't, Leah had no problem sharing things with Blake. "So I took a rest and kind of had a nightmare and the whole scary thing kind of came back." By scary, she meant creepy hallucination dude, and by thing she meant his laughter and voice. At least the second time he didn't show himself.

tag: blake.
notes: haha, it's alright. i've been too lazy too. i used to do it all the time, but now pretty posts are too time consuming.

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